Category Archives: Puns

The Internet of Thins

Engineering, Idle Speculation, Internet Culture, Puns, Science!, Thoughts on Thoughts, Words!

S and I were walking down the street today, and were thinking about the Internet of Things. Now, it’s a buzzword, and should be taken with a similar-sized grain of salt to all other similar buzzwords.

So we attempted to come up with the worst ideas possible for an Internet of Things.

The first idea was to put chips/sensors in each block in the sidewalk. But thinking about it, that would be really useful. Similar to rail lines[1], there is a widely distributed infrastructure, and checking each part individually is expensive.

Then we thought of putting individual chips/sensors in each tile in a person’s house. How silly would that be? But then you could know exactly what the person was doing, turn lights on and off correctly, rather than the current primitive motion sensors, help people track a daily routine, all kinds of things.

But the last idea we came up with led to the title of this post. What if every cracker you ate had a sensor/chip in it? You would have an almost continuous stream of data about your digestive system, what you were eating, how your body was responding to it. Think of the advances in nutrition science!

And we would owe it all to the Internet of Thins[2].

[1]Look it up! Think about the maintenance costs of surveying 140,000 miles of track.

[2]Gluten-free Wheat Thins for some.

Further Proof that the Internet is made of Cats

Idle Speculation, Internet Culture, Puns

If you’ve ever wondered[1] whether the Internet is made up of cats, think about inactivity timeouts. You watch cats playing, partway through, one of them will stop moving, distracted by something, and the other will wait for a while, then timeout and just walk away.

If you still don’t believe me, look at this picture and think about all the times your computer put itself into what felt like an infinite loop because of something you asked it to do:

Black cat being snowed on. "I can't believe I volunteered to pose for this picture."
“I can’t believe I volunteered to pose for this picture.”

[1]As opposed to it being obvious.

Batymology: Convergent Evolution or Multiple Discovery?

Idle Speculation, Puns, Words!

Bat Etymology: Convergent Evolution or Multiple Discovery?

So, we were talking about bats the other day, and knowing a little bit of French, it struck me as quite odd that the word for bat is ‘bat’ in English.

You see, the word for bat is ‘chauve-souris'[1], to which I say, yeah, so it’s probably a Germanic root, that’s why it’s so short. At that point, I remember the word ‘fledermaus’, or ‘flying mouse’, which is the German word for bat. At this point, I realized that ‘Germanic’ does not necessarily mean ‘German’.

As Grammarphobia explains:

”
English, Icelandic, Faroese, Norwegian, Swedish, Danish, Frisian, Flemish, Dutch, Afrikaans, German, and Yiddish are the living languages that are part of the Germanic family.

This family is divided into North Germanic (Icelandic, Faroese, Norwegian, Swedish, Danish) and West Germanic (English, Frisian, Flemish, Dutch, Afrikaans, German, Yiddish). The now defunct East Germanic branch consisted of Gothic, which is extinct.
”
…
”
As Calvert Watkins writes in The American Heritage Dictionary of Indo-European Roots, one of the dialects of Indo-European “became prehistoric Common Germanic, which subdivided into dialects of which one was West Germanic.”

This in turn, Watkins says, “broke up into further dialects, one of which emerged into documentary attestation as Old English. From Old English we can follow the development of the language directly, in texts, down to the present day.”

But while English is Germanic, it has acquired much of its vocabulary from other sources, notably Latin and French.
”

The actual etymology of bat is much more complex, coming through Middle English ‘bakke’, likely from Old Norse ‘leðrblaka’ or ‘leather flapper’. I love all these different ways people tried to describe the sounds that bats make. Source for the above and more here:

”
bat (n.2)
flying mammal (order Chiroptera), 1570s, a dialectal alteration of Middle English bakke (early 14c.), which is probably related to Old Swedish natbakka, Old Danish nathbakkæ “night bat,” and Old Norse leðrblaka “leather flapper” (for connections outside Germanic, see flagellum). If so, the original sense of the animal name likely was “flapper.” The shift from -k- to -t- may have come through confusion of bakke with Latin blatta “moth, nocturnal insect.”

Old English word for the animal was hreremus, from hreran “to shake” (see rare (adj.2)), and rattle-mouse is attested from late 16c., an old dialectal word for “bat.” Flitter-mouse (1540s) is occasionally used in English (variants flinder-mouse, flicker-mouse) in imitation of German fledermaus “bat,” from Old High German fledaron “to flutter.”
”

[1]Literally ‘bald mouse’, but that is from Greek by way of Latin, as NakedTranslations explains:

”
Chauve-souris comes from Latin calva sorix (bald mouse), which is an alteration of Greek cawa sorix (owl mouse).
“

If a Taco Wore Pants…

Idle Speculation, Internet Culture, Puns, Visualizations

If a taco wore pants, would it wear them like this:

None taco with left pants.
None taco with left pants[1].

or like this?

None taco with all pants.
None taco with all pants.

This arose out of a lunchtime conversation about the amazing idea of lasagna tacos! Which naturally spawned the the question “if you were making a lasagna taco, which direction would you layer it?”

At which point J asked the question above[2].

[1]Note that the description text is a reference to ‘none pizza with left beef’.

[2]Thanks J!

An Elemental of Surprise

Character Classes, Games!, Idle Speculation, Puns

Elementals

Elementals are incarnations of the elements that compose existence.

Surprise Elementals

Surprise Elementals inhabit the demiplane of Surprise, a mildly chaotic-aligned[1] plane loosely connected to the Prime Material plane. They embody the plane’s ethos of “always be surprising, especially when you are not”. This ethos separates the demiplane of Surprise and the Surprise Elementals from beings of pure chaos, as it acknowledges the refractory period between surprises which exists in most species.

Stealth-related skills are very common among denizens of the demiplane of Surprise, and Surprise Elementals are no exception. As surprise is a key component of their makeup, there are actually many exceptions. There are few things more surprising than a Surprise Elemental walking down a hallway towards you, sword in hand, yelling about bees[2].

The demiplane of Surprise is loosely connected to the Prime Material plane in a manner similar to that of the Ethereal plane. Any Surprise Elemental summoned will likely have been observing the actions of the summoner for some time.

When summoned to the Prime Material plane, Surprise Elementals are (usually) composed of the least likely substance nearby (DM’s discretion).

Relations with other Elementals:

Surprise Elementals are standoffish towards the four standard types of elementals. Surprise Elementals consider them excessively regular, that even the chaos of Fire Elementals is of an expected kind.

Relations with other Planes and Demiplanes:

Surprise Elementals have more in common with beings from the positive energy plane, who are some of the few beings who can be quicker and more energetic.

As Surprise Elementals are mildly chaotic-aligned, they tend to get along best with beings from planes that support changes of all forms. Beings from lawful-aligned planes tend to try to destroy or banish Surprise Elementals whenever they see them. Beings from the strongly lawful-aligned demiplane of Expectation are in direct opposition to beings from the demiplane of Surprise.

Combat:

Surprise Elementals always act in every surprise round, and can take full round actions, even though most beings can only take one action during a surprise round. Note that this means that they can use their ‘Surprise!’ special ability (see below) during a surprise round.

The actions and abilities of Surprise Elementals can vary from encounter, even from round to round, depending on their whim. Some ideas for skills, feats, and special abilities are below.

Surprise Elementals are often described as ‘going faster than one might expect’. They can travel as fast as is required to be surprising, up to a normal maximum of 120′. It is not fully known what method of transport they use. It may be somewhat dependent on the materials from which they are formed.

                     Surprise Elemental, Medium   Surprise Elemental, Large
Size/Type:           Medium                       Large
Type:                Elemental (Extraplanar)      Elemental (Extraplanar)
Hit Dice:            4d8+8 (26 hp) 	          8d8+24 (60 hp)
Initiative:          +8 (+see above)              +8 (+see above)
Speed:               Up to 120' (see above)       Up to 120' (see above)
Armor Class:         4d8+8 (26 hp) 	          8d8+24 (60 hp)
Base Attack/Grapple: +3/+4                        +6/+12
Attack: 	     Surprise. (see below)        Surprise. (see below)
Full Attack: 	     Surprise! (see below)        Surprise! (see below)
Space/Reach: 	     5ft./20ft. (see below)       5ft./20ft. (see below)
Special Attacks:     Surprise. and Surprise!      Surprise. and Surprise!	
Special Qualities:   Varies (see below)           Varies (see below)
Saves: 	             Fort +1, Ref +3, Will +9 	  Fort +2, Ref +5, Will +13
Abilities: 	     Varies (see below)           Varies (see below)
Skills: 	     Any (see below)              Any (see below)
Feats: 	             Any (see below)              Any (see below)
Environment: 	     Demiplane of Surprise        Demiplane of Surprise
Organization: 	     Solitary or groups           Solitary or groups
Challenge Rating:    5 or varies                  7 or varies
Treasure: 	     Varies (see below)           Varies (see below)   	
Alignment: 	     Mildly Chaotic               Mildly Chaotic
Advancement: 	     5-7 HD (Medium)              9-15 HD (Large)
Level Adjustment:    —                            —

Surprise.: As a move- or attack-equivalent action, a Surprise Elemental can attempt a ‘Surprise.’ This is based on any skill that the Surprise Elemental chooses, although they may not choose the same skill in two consecutive rounds, unless they do. The damage done is all subdual, and is equal to the DC achieved minus 20. The damage may be avoided by the target spending an action on an opposed skill check.

Surprise!: As a full-round action, a Surprise Elemental can attempt a ‘Surprise!’ This is a similar attack to ‘Surprise.’ above, but with a +5 to the roll, and if the attack is successful, the target is confused for one round. Note that this ability can be used during a surprise round, as Surprise Elementals are able to perform full-round actions during a surprise round.

Space/Reach: Normally, medium and large Surprise Elementals take up a 5′ square. If it is surprising enough (DM’s discretion), they can reach up to 20′ away to perform an action.

Special Qualities: Most Surprise Elementals have Sense Darkvision, 60′, so that they can better understand what the beings around them can perceive. Surprise Elementals have the following general traits of Surprise races:

– +1 bonus to Surprise lawful creatures, +2 to those associated with the demiplane of Expectation
– -2 penalty to saving throws against spells, spell-like abilities, and supernatural abilities with the Expectation subtype or used by creatures of the Expectation subtype
– Any one of the special abilities of any elemental subtype (does not breathe, stability, fire resistance, or natural swimmer)

Saves: Surprise Elementals depend on mental flexibility, and therefore are not as physically flexible (except for when these are reversed).

Abilities: Typically, Surprise Elementals will have the following abilites:

Medium: Str 11, Dex 14, Con 4, Int 21, Wis 11, Cha 11 	
Large:  Str 11, Dex 16, Con 6, Int 25, Wis 11, Cha 11

Note that Surprise Elementals are typically very intelligent, and will plan their surprises, skills, and feats to be the most surprising.

These abilities may vary wildly with no warning from one Surprise Elemental to another.

Skills: Surprise Elementals receive (6 + Int modifier)*4 skill points at first level, and 6 + Int modifier per hit die above that. All skills are class skills. The skill points may be allocated any way the DM wishes. a random generation may yield the best results. Remember that the Surprise Elementals will be working to optimize their ‘Surprise.’ and ‘Surprise!’ attacks, and so will tend to specialize and diversify, except when they don’t.

Feats: Any. Choose the most surprising. Horseback riding for an elemental that commonly takes the shape of a horse is a good example.

Treasure:

Surprise Elementals cannot generally bring items from the demiplane of Surprise when summoned, but will pick up any surprising items as they go past them when moving on the Prime Material plane. Treat this as version of ‘Kender Pockets’.

When encountered on the demiplane of Surprise, Surprise Elementals can be carrying literally anything, even things one might not expect them to be carrying, or they should not be able to carry (DM’s discretion). It is rumored that some Surprise Elementals incorporate dimensional rifts into themselves (similar to a portable hole) so as to be able to carry arbitrary objects.

Player Characters as Surprise Elementals:

This should not be allowed, unless you are running a very unusual campaign, and all characters are elementals or similar creatures. Any player character playing a Surprise Elemental should be expected to roleplay all surprises.

[1]The demiplane of Surprise is mildly chaotic, while Delight is mildly chaotic good and Prank is mildly chaotic evil. Expectation is strongly lawful, while Hope is strongly lawful good and Presumption is mildly lawful evil.

[2]Bees?

Unusual Pluralizations

Idle Speculation, Puns, Thoughts on Thoughts, Words!

‘Quartermasters General’. ‘Quarterpounders with cheese’. Some time ago, we talked about unusual long form names.

Today, we talk about unusual pluralizations.

You’re probably familiar with pluralizing ‘Quartermaster General’ to ‘Quartermasters General[1]’, and ‘Quarterpounder with cheese’ to ‘Quarterpounders with cheese’, but are you familiar with the pluralization of ‘Foot Locker’? How about ‘Head cheese[2]’?

‘Man-of-war’? ‘Attorney General’?

It’s enough to make mongeese pull their hairtholomew out.

[1]Not to be confused with the possessive, “Quartermaster’s General”, or the other possessive, “Quartermaster General’s”.

[2]Not to be confused with the ‘Head Cheese’, who stands alone.

Beenary

Fiction, Idle Speculation, Programming, Puns, Science!

It was never really taken seriously. It was most often expressed as a joke:

Q: What type of logic do hive dwellers use?

A: Beenary logic!

And this was true, to an extent. Bees did in fact use beenary logic. But like their honeycombs, it was a hexary, or six-valued logic system. As part of the ‘hive mind[1]’, they would dance in one of six directions for each hat[2] of information conveyed.

Most bee historians had indeed converged on the conclusion that bees were the true inventors of hexary logic, and were the first to answer yes or no questions in one of six ways.

So it was for this reason that ‘beenary trees’ had six children for each node, that a ‘beenary search’ would involve a bee making a ‘bee line’ out from a central hex, and ‘beenary star systems’ were much more complex.

Also, in their preferred computer language, the conditional operator was ‘Bees?’.

cah-bees

[1]Scuttlebutt has it that the bees always hated the term ‘hive mind’, both because “Yeah, we live in a hive, and we have minds. What of it?”, and because it was mistakenly applied to other colony forming insects.

[2]Binary uses ‘bits’ of information, the natural log uses ‘nats’ of information. Ergo…

Nice and Egregious: Shifted Meanings

Administrivia, Engineering, Nostalgia, Puns

Recently C pointed me to a blog post about the etymology of the word ‘Egregious’. This is especially relevant to me, as you may guess, because of the title I chose for this blog: ‘Sometimes Egregious, Always Gregarious’.

At the time I chose the title, I thought that ‘egregious’ and ‘gregarious’ were almost anagrams of each other, and were only one letter apart. Hence the ‘one letter can make a word of difference'[1]. It turns out that you need to replace the ‘e’ in ‘egregious’ with the ‘ar’ in ‘gregarious’, but I think it’s still apropos and funny.

Anyways, etymology. I also chose the words ‘egregious’ and ‘gregarious’ because I feel they describe me. ‘Egregious’ because I’m often pushing the boundaries[2], or going the ‘third mile'[3]. ‘Gregarious’ because I like talking to people, saying random things when I walk up to strangers. (Come to think of it, ‘Garrulous’ might be better in some situations, but it doesn’t anagram quite as well. Also, it implies a talking requirement that I don’t always fulfill.)

So, now you know more than you thought you needed to about how this blog came to have its title. I hope you’re happy[4].

[1]The phrase ‘One letter can make a word of difference’ came from P, from his rotating .sig file during undergrad. It was routinely a source of wonder for me.

[2]’Pushing the boundaries’ was the motto for my undergrad program, Engineering Science. I enjoy doing this in many ways, the most socially acceptable probably being attempting to solve problems with stupid and outlandish suggestions.

[3]My grandfather was part of the 3T5 class, which decided to give back to the community by instituting a ‘Second Mile’ award. The ‘First Mile’ is the things you normally do, working at work and the things you do at home. The ‘Second Mile’ is ‘going the extra mile’ in service to the community. Our class decided to have an ad hoc ‘Third Mile’ award, which is awarded when ‘You’ve gone too far’.

[4]Really, I do. 😀

Peep-to-Peep Computing

Fiction, Idle Speculation, Internet Culture, Puns

[chirrp][chirrp][cheeerp](whirring noises)[chrrreeep][cheeerp]

It started out as a humorous RFC, something that you would share with your friends and have a quick chuckle over.

[chbeep][chrsssssh][weeooweeoo][bloooop?]

But then the solar flares started. They only caused small problems at first, a little more static on your VOIP call, your conference calls became a little more annoying.

[maaa][maaaa]

Soon, it was all they could do to keep the electrical infrastructure in place. It would have to all be refit, and that would take years, if not decades. A different solution had to be found. Luckily, someone had managed to cross pigeons with mockingbirds.

[booooeyp][booooeyp]

You were limited to the speed of sound, but with creative sampling and filtering, you could train the ‘Mimidae Columbida‘ (or MimiCos, as they were called) to only listen for specific types of sound, and to re-chirp them as soon as they heard them.

[beeyooop][chiiiip?]

Many things became simpler. When you could only send data at 300 baud, IRC and MUDs flourished again. Twitter shortened its character limit to 100, then 50 characters. Emoji encodings became even more compact. People became adept at ‘hearing’ the messages before they were decoded, some were even forgoing the decoding stage, and speaking only ‘beakspeak’.

[yeeebeep!][gshhhhh][yeeeniiip]

Oh, that’s an urgent message coming through! Gotta run! [yeeeneepneep!]

#internetofbirds

From S

Punning like a Broken Record (Player)

Puns, Thoughts on Thoughts

Puns.

The most advanced form of humour in the world.

You may or may not believe me, but they do take a considerable amount of work and preparation to perform.

I have a few mental models/analogies that seem to help with pun construction and execution.

The simplest of the three has to do with how people construct sentences from concepts. My experience is that most people only pay attention to the concepts that their brains create, and don’t watch for the words that are emitted. You can test this by asking someone to repeat what they said, and watching how often they use the exact same words.


*-----------*     *------------*
| Concept   |     |  Concept   |
|           |---->|  to word   |---->Speech
| generator |  ^  | translator |  ^
*-----------*  |  *------------*  |
               |                  |
Where people   |                  |
pay attention--/                  |
                                  |
Where punsters                    | 
pay attention---------------------/

The second model is that of ‘hash functions’. Even though the brain is a neural net, many of its attributes can be modeled as hash functions. In this context, a ‘hash function’ is a very quick retrieval of something (an idea, concept, memory), based on a trigger. But this often only works in one direction. If you ask someone what they were ate yesterday for breakfast, they may not be able to tell you. But if you ask them the last time they ate toast, they would be far more likely to say ‘yesterday, at breakfast’. This can cause issues of the ‘why don’t you remember that?’ and ‘I already told you that’ sort when people have different hash functions, and associate things differently.

The third model (and my favourite!) is a poor description of part of how I listen for puns. I’ve talked about word and sentence rotation recently, but much of that is the slower, ‘software’ way of manipulating sentences to extract verbal humour. This next analogy seems to be much more hardwired.

The analogy is of a record player playing a record. The record player is my ear and word processing apparatus, the record is the incoming vocal stream. So far, so good. What it feels like I do is to lift the needle slightly off the record. I then engage my sound->word prediction, and come up with as many words as I can that sound similar to those that are being and will be[1] used. So, I’m turning my exact word matching into fuzzy or inexact matching, then using the results to construct puns.

Other models of how to pun? Let me know in the comments below!

[1]Remember how you need to be able to predict the exact words someone will use.